Shambooze<\/a>. You may not even notice it until after you’ve settled your tab for drinks with liquors you never actually got served.<\/p>\nThe gall of some people.<\/p>\n
As your trusted source of straight talk, allow me to give you a quick bit of that sweet, sweet nectar: you’re fucked if you don’t get in good with the bartender. I hate to say it, and I hate that it’s true, but we live in a world where even the sacred space of the bar is no longer safe when it comes to ordering a solid bit of the Creature. Here’s a quick personal anecdote:<\/p>\n
With a windowless van full of booze, I pull up to an Asian-fusion restaurant with a bar. I park that sweet, obviously suspicious whip, step out (looking dapper as hell, by the way), load a few cases onto a hand cart, and take a moment to think about what this sequence of events means–I’m wheeling handles (half-gallons, 1.75 litres,\u00a0or\u00a0whatever you want to call them) into a place that runs a legitimate “bar,” all the while swallowing my pride deep into the swanky get-up that I’m rocking. None of this feels right, and I (fearing for my job) trudge solemnly into a place that I just\u00a0know<\/em> is fleecing the people that drink there, fighting every good and righteous drinking instinct I’ve honed over the years.<\/p>\nA few of you fine readers will be up in arms at this point, and for that I salute you. No bar orders anything in half-gallons, and industry professionals know that. (Pro tip: the industry standard bottle volume is 1 litre, not 1.75 litres, which is called a ‘handle’ or a ‘half gallon’ or ‘a g-dang liability’). A 1 litre bottle is both easier to pour from and easier to handle.\u00a0If you’ve watched any of proto-simian Jon “I swear I’m a professional” Taffer’s\u00a0Bar Rescue<\/em> episodes, you’ll be familiar with this claim. And you’ll\u00a0also have my sympathy.<\/p>\nIf you haven’t given this matter any thought, here’s a quick experiment: what’s easier–pouring milk into your morning cereal from a gallon jug or from a smaller, more ergonomic container? \u00a0The larger container, while more economical, slows you down, right? The same goes for bars where speed and accuracy is the name of the game. If you find yourself in a bar with half-gallon bottles, there is a greater chance that the bartenders will over-pour on cocktails (in which case you ought to order as much as you can stomach and be damn grateful for it).<\/p>\n
Bars that order cheap handles to marry into more expensive bottles are an immediate red-flag for this reason: we know that they are absolutely refilling smaller bottles, and it’s not hard to refill a smaller top-shelf bottle with something worse and far cheaper, so long as no one notices. They still charge top-shelf prices, though, and that’s where they run afoul of both the law and, more importantly, good sense. That’s a transgression against both common decency and the collective will of the Drunkard Nation. That kind of bush-league behavior just will not stand.<\/p>\n
Some (and please note: Not All) bars do this. If you\u00a0order a specific brand of spirit, be ready to call a bar out on a shitty substitution. Demand accountability. If you’re ordering well drinks, then good on you. Drink those bastards dry if you can. We hold each other accountable in all other aspects of our lives (or, at least we should), so bars should be no different.<\/p>\n
So here is a quick bit of advice (because you didn’t ask, but because I’m feeling generous and forceful): Know your booze and you’ll know the impostors<\/em>. Or just enjoy whatever comes towards you. You’re already fighting the good fight, so quibbling over ammunition is a bit gauche.<\/p>\nEither way, cheers, you beautiful bastards, you. Hold the line, and I’ll meet you there. Eventually.<\/p>\n
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