Greetings, stalwart readers of Das Brütal Hammer. It’s Saturday as I send this out—the last day of dread wintry darkness before we roll the clocks back, and finally reclaim the sun. This is a day of celebration, so you know what that means. Bye-bye winter, you bitch!
We’ve been pounding beers and grilling sliders all day here at the Oklahoma outpost of this operation, and all the joy around here has inspired me to share with you a known, but not crazy-common tactic for maximum beering. The best beer for your buck, with a bang and a bullet, and bells on. It’s remarkably simple advice—
Carb your beer.
(I’m referring in shorthand to the creation of a carburetor, essentially a device or mechanical implement meant to combine air with the “fuel” of any given device. Carburetors are in lots of motors. Anyway, we’re talking about beer!)
It’s pretty simple, dog. You see that picture up top, with the conspicuous slit near the top? That’s my carb. I did it with a bottle opener. You can use anything you want—just make a hole in the top or side of the can, in an air pocket, near where you drink, opposite the lip. The result of the air pressing in on the back of the liquid when you tilt that tallboy back for a pull or two should be immediately obvious, in that you can drain that bad boy if you feel like it. Speeds things up. In this workaday world, it’s very efficient.
Really, the reason why I do this, and why you should do this, is because if I’m ever drinking beer out of a can (instead of pouring it into a glass, like all good beer should be), it’s usually some bullshit beer. Really vile stuff. And it tends to get warm and linger near the very bottom, around the last gulps, all clogged up with lukewarm foam and agony to swallow down. Burp. No. I hate that.
Carbing your beer really helps to keep this from happening, just because it rushes the beer down too fast for you to really notice.
Come to think of it, MillerCoors did this a while back with a Miller Lite can designed with a carb installed, which is cool and all, but it’s not like this is hard. Use a bottle opener. Your knife. Your teeth. Someone else’s teeth. You know how thin the aluminum on cans is? Thin as this. -> | <-
If you’re drinking beer out of a can, odds are it’s lousy. Which is fine! I love lousy beer. That’s my backyard beer, my float trip beer, my beer that could be slapped out of my hand at a moment’s notice, and who on earth would shed a tear for it. So if you’re drinking lousy beer, you’re more drinking for the experience. Drinking to get drunk. Carbs help.
Carb your beer.
Then get your ass up to Montana! We have a proud tradition of filling a cooler with lousy beers, tethering it to a raft, and floating down a river. Carburetors can be…curious? at best, and I’ve long wondered about their necessity. From experience, they’re a curiosity at best, and beer is beer. And any brew that needs gimmicks is suspect in my eyes, but if it does the job then we’re cool. Come to think of it, the weather’s good here, so I’m getting a case and pumping up the raft. Let’s put this to the test.
Roughly what part of Oklahoma? I’m through here all the time, if there’s a WalMart nearby I probably am too. Beer’s on me!
Tear off the tab. You will notice that one side has 2 sharper corners. With very little effort you can stab a corner through to make your carb. ALL YOU NEED IS THE BEER CAN TO MSKE THE CARB.
☺